Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Plato
Background: I’m Finnish. Stereotypically, Finns only speak when there is something so important to say they just can’t bear the silence anymore. Continuing with the stereotype, a Finnish form of small talk is sitting in a circle (or a line, better yet) and silently nodding without eye contact.
I’m a relatively outgoing and talkative Finn – some might even call me social. 
I’ve noticed, though, that there is something about the written nature of online communication that reduces me to a stereotypical, silent Finn. To me, that’s something worth exploring.
Silence is golden and all that
I’ve noticed this behavior in myself on Twitter, on Facebook, or when reading other people’s blogs. I even do it on my own blog every once in a while. I come up with a thought about something, I start writing, and halfway through my text a small inner critic crawls out of its cave:
“You don’t honestly think they’d want to read that?”
And then I really really have to consider whether or not this is just a random tidbit or if it’s something that Truly Provides Value.
Providing Value was something I really struggled with before I started my blog. I wanted to start writing way before Insightings ever went live, but I wanted to create something that would really have some kind of a focus.
There are a million and one blogs online. At least half of them (it seemed when I was starting out) offer advice on how to create a great blog. Rule one: provide value. Don’t rehash content. Have a focus.
You can imagine how that created performance anxiety for a perfectionist.
Same thing with commenting on other people’s blogs. I still do it: I read an entry, love it to bits, and just before I scroll down to the comments box the critic jumps up again:
“You honestly think you can contribute?”
Most of the time, my unposted comments are along the lines of “nice post, enjoyed reading it, have had similar experiences myself.” Not really contributing to the conversation, is it? (That’s my inner critic snarking away.)
Even scarier than the thought of not contributing, though, is the thought of downright spamming people’s comment threads. It doesn’t matter that I know my own intentions to be pure, I’m afraid my “nice post, thanks” -comments will flood the Internet and get me eternally banned from all of the cool blogs I love reading.
Getting to the root of the phobia
Just now, inspired by the fact that I’ve dug out this fear (dressed as the critic) out of its hole, I’ll follow in the footsteps of so many great bloggers (Havi, Joely, and James, to mention a few) and have a real heart-to-heart with my fear. I haven’t done this before, so let’s see how it goes.
Me: Hi, you must be my fear-of-getting-banned-from-the-internet, right
Critic / fear: Umm, yeah. You caught me. (trying to hide behind itself)
Me: Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you or drive you away. I just want to know what your job is.
Fear: My job is to stop you before you make a fool of yourself online and accidentally reveal who you really are.
Me: I see. What do you think would happen if I revealed who I really am?
Fear: I don’t know. They might see that you’re not really smart, that you just think really hard before you say something.
Me: Okay. You’re saying that people might notice I’m not really smart?
Fear: Yes.
Me: But I am smart. You know that, I know that. If I say something silly, it doesn’t instantly make me less smart. Or do you disagree?
Fear: Well… no. But people might not like you if you’re not smart all the time.
Me: Oh, honey. You want me to be safe from not being liked, is that it?
Fear: Yeah, kind of.
Me: Could we figure out some way to make sure I remind myself that people really do like me, smart or not, so you wouldn’t need to censor my online writing?
Fear: I guess we could…
And with that, the fear went away. Curiously, it took with it the need for reassurance as well. I tried to think of a way to remind myself that people like me, and I couldn’t come up with anything that would’ve made me feel any better – because the need was gone.
Interesting.
Let’s see how this conversation channels into my online presence.
If any of this sparked any ideas, have a quick heart-to-heart with your own inner critic, and if you feel safe enough, I’d love to hear your feedback in the comments.
And as always, keep catching your own insightings!
Love,
Sari
Perfection is an illusion.
Now if I was really smart or in the mood to go look at google then I would know if that is a real quote, if I’m plagarising or if it’s a Karenneism.
What fun visiting your blog -I think you’ve got a great voice, keep putting it out as content comes from the soul not from the fingertips.
O Lord, why can’t I have a quotapedia installed on auto-respond?
xKarenne
Quotapedia!
I want one of those, too!
Thank you for visiting – and for the encouragements. And if push comes to shove, I might have to quote you on the perfection thing.
I like you. I love the sensitivity and the thoughtfulness of this blog, and your writing voice. I love the topics you pick. I think this blog – and the writer behind it – provide immense value.
Sometimes we can’t see what we have to offer, or the benefit it brings to other people. I only discovered last week that Amnar – a piece of work I thought was good for me and me only – provides comfort, love, entertainment and happiness for a number of children with developmental difficulties, blindness and other problems.
We can just never know how far we reach, but it’s always worth reminding yourself just how many unknown people may well be being touched by your words and your work.
*blush* Thank you.
“We can just never know how far we reach.” Indeed. Indeed. I’ve been moved by so many people who probably don’t even know I exist – the chance of maybe being that person to someone is a powerful reason to try and be myself online as well as offline, for better or for worse.
This critic sounds a lot like the “You’re stupid” brat you’ve mentioned earlier
The problem with online chit-chat often comes up with less-familiar acquintances. If you don’t generally talk much with this person and your post doesn’t have a great and/or practical importance (such as “The lecture is cancelled!” when someone’s Facebook status says they are just about to leave for school) then the uncommonness of the situation might stop you. What if, like, this acquintance of yours thinks you’re saying “Please please pliiiiiz let’s be friends!!!!11″ instead of just “Yeah, that was good movie.” Which is quite an irrational thought considering that most people like it when someone notices them (i.e. by commenting on their post) but they don’t assume anything bff-related right away! So there goes the “You’re stupid” brat again…
@Sonja:
You’re right about the “you’re stupid” brat and the critic. Hmmm… maybe they’re the same fear of (something, what?) coming up in different outfits. Must investigate.
And yes, it’s exactly that “OMG we’re so gonna hang out and be best friends” -message that I’m afraid of sending. There’s a definite vibe of politeness, again, and of not wanting to impose on anyone. Which is silly, really – if someone posts their thoughts online, they probably won’t see friendly comments as imposing.
It’s all this “reading things into things and assuming people read things into my things as well” -mentality. Maybe other people don’t dissect my every word for double entendres? And if they do, would I mind what they might find? And if they find double entendres where there are none to be found, is it really in my hands anymore?
Hiya!
I have a confession to make. I’ve been reading your blog for a long time now, and I’ve been enjoying your thoughts, topics, and even the comments immensely.
A lot of the time in the past, I start writing on the comment box and once I reread it, that inner critic comes up and says “Why do you think you have anything to contribute of value to this incredibly smart and thoughtful writer?” Then I delete it, and move on, thinking, I’ll get to it next time. Then the cycle starts again. (I’ve been doing that a lot in the past, not so much anymore recently)
Basically, I have the same heart to heart with my fear, and it’s only been fairly recently, I’ve been telling him (her?) to shush and do what I’ve been wanting to do for ages.
So thank you for writing about this, you have helped me a lot especially when I’m dealing with my own issues as well, and I should let you know that more often.
Oh, and I don’t think you follow in the footsteps of wonderful people like Joely, Havi and James, not at all. To me, you’re right there walking along beside them.
Cheers,
JJ
@JJ,
I’m so glad you shared that in the comments! Now I know there are at least two people in the world with a roaring inner critic…
And I’m so glad you found this helpful! Looking forward to hearing your comments in future posts as well. 